Where I Want To Be – Again

In this image taken from video and provided by CBS, singer Britney Spears presents the ‘Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President,’ on the ‘Late Show with David Letterman,’ Tuesday, Aug. 18, 2009. Spears is currently in the middle of her ‘Circus’ tour, which returns to North America on Thursday, Aug. 20.

(AP Photo/CBS)

My family (and the payroll!) are back on board for the adventure…. I am excited to see the opening with Jordan Sparks at the end of Sept in Vegas. I may or may not stay to see Britney, again. I think I would rather go to dinner with my GH while she plays and before he has to be ready to load her equipment back onto his trailer for the next venue.

Last night my mother died. She was terminally ill from cancer and had a heart attack. I have not spoken to her since my dad died 4 and half years ago. She resented the father/daughter thing that I had with Dad ever since I can remember. That is sad to me, that one parent would resent the relationship that their child has with the other parent…. that should always be a good thing. When Dad died, she told my brothers not to tell me – they did anyway. She had him cremated and threw the ashes in the backyard. End of him. He will always be with me – he left me with soooo much! As far as my mom…. I never had one that behaved as a mom towards me. I “buried” her many yrs ago. I feel funny just telling people very calmly that my mom died… no emotion. It is surreal to me. I should be mourning and feeling bad… but there is just nothing. When I spoke with my brothers, I got shook up because I feel so bad for their loss. Or at least, their perceived loss… she was never a mother figure to them…I was. My mother has been bitter and angry since she was about 12 when her parents divorced. She has been racked with arthritic pain for 40 yrs or so. She was always pissed at Dad about something and she took her anger out on us kids. She was an absentee mother via alcohol.

Ok, after all of that negativity about her I am trying to find something good to say….. I am digging deep for this. She was a Girl Scout leader for many yrs. She loved one out 3 of her grandkids and would have nothing to do with her greatgrandson because he is half Black. Oh.. I am supposed to be writing about the good….she was HIGHLY principled – no lying, cheating, stealing. She paid her bills on time every month all of her life. ……. many minutes later…. ok I will try on this later.

Am I wrong in thinking that mothers should be nurturing. Hugs hugs kisses and props all the time? Aren’t mother suppose to think that their children are so awesome and tell them that regularly? Maybe I am so naive in this thinking? I think “Leave It To Beaver”‘ and June Cleaver are way too set in my thinking here. Because I did NOT learn this as a child in my home life. ever.

I am sad for my oldest daughter, who stayed in touch with mom, I feel the loss for my brothers. I am sad that she was so miserable most of her life – emotionally and physically. But I am glad that her pain is over.

Found another positive! She taught me that I need to love my children forever and ever NO MATTER WHAT. She taught me that I need to be a mom in every aspect so that my children love and like themselves, so that they can be real adults and make a life they are happy with. I have done this with the oldest, I believe that the second is very close to finding what she has been looking for to be happy. I have 2 more to go But I guarantee that my kids know that I think they are awesome and they all know that I would move the world over for them and that I love them forever and ever NO MATTER WHAT. So, I guess my mom did do something great and awesome.

Do not feel bad for me, do not pity me…. I have learned to finally love myself and I know that I am a good person. My great and totally awesome husband and children have had a LOT to do with my happiness within myself.

 I am my father’s legacy.

Great husband and awesome children………I LOVE YOU ALL TO PIECES!

Kids back to school now? Wanna win fun Scoolio Von Hoolio school supplies ->go to Harvest of Daily Life to enter her giveaway — FREE school supplies!  http://tinyurl.com/m4rdo9 #giveaway

Last night’s sunset here……. sorry that the electrical lines are in the view

I am feeling doubly spoiled today.

Yesterday I was gifted by a good friend with my favorite coffee. Flagstaff does not have a Trader Joe’s but this good friend finds Joe in whatever city she is in. She just returned from the California Bay Area and brought me my favorite coffee. THANK YOU, N! I LOVE this coffee… but not as much as I love you!

Then today Leavi and I went to the Health Dept Health Fair…. for his 2 required immunizations for school. After waiting in line for a half hour, then sitting in a hard plastic chair for an hour, it was finally our turn. The required shots were a Tetnus booster and the new Meningitis Meningococcal. The clinic would not give those two to him…. you have to be 11 and he won’t be 11 until Aug 22. School starts the 13th here, so I do not know what they are going to do. The school told me that the clinic WOULD give them to him and that he had to have them for school. The clinic DID give him HepA and the Chickenpox one. (Leavi was such a trooper.. not a fuss at all and when the nurse was done, he asked if that was it!) But the school did not require them – go figure… if it is time for them, too, then why aren’t they required? They are just as communicable as the other one. Any way… we are done there for a few weeks. I will find out this Monday what the school intends to do about it.

While we were at the Health Fair, I had my hearing tested and I did not pass and was told I could use a hearing aid – NOT! I am supposed to go in for a more extensive hearing test soon. I know I do not hear my phone ring more times than I would like to admit and I have troubles hearing the TV. I guess the rock concerts are taking their toll and I am only 55 yo. More on that after I go in for the testing. But I think that I am digressing…. the point of this post is that I am doubly spoiled. There was a man at the Health Fair who was running the hearing testing out of the same waiting room as the immunizations. He saw Leavi and I sitting there for so long. Need I speak of ALLLLLL of the kids running, screaming, crying and rolling on the floor? After I signed Leavi and I up for the hearing test, this kind man asked if we were hungry – when I said, “Yes”, he went to the employees lounge and brought us each 2 pieces of pizza. We really enjoyed the pizza and the act of kindness while we waited another hour for our turn there. The hilarious part is that he told me that he appreciated my patience!!! Well anyone that knows me, knows that patience is so NOT a word that describes me at all! But I walked into that clinic this morning knowing full well that it was going to be very trying on me…. yea! me!!